Affirmative Consent
In recent years, awareness and advocacy for victims of sexual assault has grown. And while I’m all about giving victims a voice, spreading awareness around this life-threatening issue, and as a victim of sexual assault Myself, I’d like to highlight another important area of concern, and what helps prevent sexual assault from happening in the first place—consent.
What is consent?
Consent is when someone willingly agrees to something.
Seems pretty self explanatory, right? So why do we still get it so wrong?
When it comes down to sexual consent, what it means to willingly agree becomes more complex. Until the 90’s, and really, not even seriously until the 2010’s, it wasn’t common to clearly communicate about sexual consent. It would be communicated indirectly as nonresistance. So as long as there wasn’t a strong “no,” it was assumed to be a “yes.” Now, we’re starting to understand that this isn’t a workable method. All people involved need to have a voice on the matter with clear, verbal communication. This is what we call affirmative consent. Affirmative consent helps to ensure everyone is on the same page and boundaries are understood before sexual activity occurs. That way everyone feels safe, and there’s no confusion. Consent does not vary based on a person’s gender, race, or sexual orientation. We are all human. We all deserve control of what we do with our bodies.
In the early 90’s, Antioch College in Ohio was the first institution in the US to implement a policy requiring affirmative consent—stating that explicit verbal communication was required before engaging in sexual activity. This was seen as extreme and absurd at the time, and was even mocked on TV on SNL! And not until 2014 did the states start to follow suit. In 2014, California became the first US state to implement affirmative consent legislation with “Yes Means Yes.” This legislation added to what they did with the Antioch policy by also stating that consent is ongoing and can be revoked at any time, and that past encounters or a lack of resistance are not considered consent.
So what can we take away from that?
Antioch did a groundbreaking thing, despite the backlash they received. They set the foundation for necessary change around sexual consent.
It took them a damn long time (over 20 years), but California finally came around and started to set that same foundation on a state level, and with an even clearer understanding of sexual consent.
We are still very new, I’m talking within the last 10 years kinda new, at truly understanding and implementing affirmative consent as a society.
I am here to broaden your understanding, and hopefully teach you a thing or two today!
You understand sexual consent needs more than someone not saying no.
You understand we practice affirmative consent nowadays, and that there needs to be an ongoing conversation between all parties involved, discussing what is & isn’t okay.
So let’s dive a little deeper into some FAQ/scenarios.
What does ongoing mean?
It means that getting a “yes” at one point in time, doesn’t mean that it carries over to any time. Consent should be addressed more than once, especially right before & during sexual activity. People’s mindsets and mental states can change at any time, and they have a right to change their mind. It may not seem sexy to talk about consent right before sexual interaction, or to stop and check-in in the heat of things, but it can be incredibly connecting and intimate. I don’t know about you, but the safer I feel with a sexual partner, the more incredible the sex is.
2. They’re my bf/gf/spouse/primary partner. Shouldn’t I be able to have sex with them whenever I want?
No. Just because someone is a committed partner, it does not mean they lose their right to bodily autonomy. Even within a committed relationship, affirmative consent requires ongoing communication. Again, people’s mindsets and mental states can change at any time, and they have a right to say no/change their mind. If your partner is not able to meet your current sexual needs because of their bodily autonomy, that is not their problem to fix for you by making themselves more sexually available. There are plenty of alternatives to getting your sexual needs met, while staying within the boundaries of your relationship, or having open communication for more. Some examples:
Indulge in more self-pleasure
Ask if your partner is willing/able to engage with you sexually in non-physical ways—like through sexting, sharing fantasies, sexy photos/videos, or watching porn you like together.
Open a conversation around seeing SWers/Dommes (this can be a method to get your sexual needs met with safe professionals, and can release some stress your partner may be feeling to perform for you). It’s all about how you communicate. Make sure that you respect your partner’s feelings, and the SWer’s. Make it clear that both of them are more than a vessel for your sexual needs. Just, show respect to all involved if this is the route you go. I think you get the idea…)
Open up a conversation about ENM (not that this is a “fix” to get more sex, but if it seriously interests you as an ethical lifestyle, start a convo about it! The book Ethical Slut would be a great read, too).
3. I received affirmative consent right before we started having sex, but during sex her body language started to change, like she wasn’t enjoying it anymore. I stopped immediately once I noticed and suggested we watch a movie, but she was really quiet and didn’t have anything to say about it. Did I do the right thing?
Yes! 100%. Way to read the situation and address it properly. Sometimes you will run into this. Unfortunately, not everyone is as outspoken. They’ll give an enthusiastic “yes!” but be experiencing something different internally, and possibly not even be willing to talk about it afterwards. While it’s not your job to read minds, if you receive affirmative consent beforehand, it’s still very important to be aware throughout. If their body language tells you “no,” then it means “no.” You can’t force them to communicate if they’re unable or unwilling, but you can do your best to pay attention to ongoing nonverbal consent.
4. To gain an even deeper understanding of affirmative consent, with a super cute visual and analogy about drinking tea, watch this video HERE.
As I know mostly My male clients are reading this, please do better. I’ve been lucky to see many amazing clients who either already understood affirmative consent, or were very teachable on the topic, but it doesn’t stop there. It doesn’t stop at just you. Carry the conversation to your social circles, your “bro friends,” and the lessons you teach your children. It’s so common to make crass jokes or have casual conversations about disrespecting or taking advantage of women & other genders, and it needs to change. We’re setting a terrible narrative around sexual consent, and we can do better.
Change the narrative.
Speak up on affirmative consent.
~ MR🥀